Let me give you a context of what’s happening around me.
It’s 13.25, about an hour ago I have planned to do my paper and actually focus on them. But no, here I am on this writing platform. Writing with another purpose in mind.
It’s cloudy and thunder rumbles every now and then. The air feels colder than it usually is and my stomach is feeling weird. I just had my lunch, consisting of red rice, fried chicken (wings and chest), and sayur asem along with the sambal.
About an hour ago too, I was feeling so underachieving. I procrastinated, and scrolled through instagram way too often. This morning I woke up rather sad, I woke up two hours later than my alarm was set. However I managed to do my chores and even learned how to cook a lot batch of kerupuk!
I did watch a youtube video about Frank Ocean from Volkgeist. He isn’t as mainstream as many popular singers we know. But I learned a great deal of him. Little did I know, he has no social media but tumblr. He used to have twitter account, there he dropped hints on how his next album is going to be like. But then he deactivated it. Saying when asked on why he did it:
Intuition.
He refused to have interview but continue on working on making music. He went underground and refused to give his album as considerations to Grammy, believing that the award system was dated.
I thought, “heck he’s cool of a man!”
Fast backward last night I was having an inner dilemma, an upheaval in the mind, of whether or not I post this stories on my instagram account. It was a question from @werenotreallystrangers asking “What is it you need to hear right now?”. I was bored and crave for some interaction. But I back off, and canceled the post. Only to stumble on this post by the same account. It says:
Boy how truer can the words be?
Back again to just few hours ago. When I still scroll through my instagram account. I can’t help but adore these people I followed. And when I turn back to the reality I’m in. I feel miserable. And pathetic. They travelled here and there or they went to here and there, when really I’ve only been travelled from my bedroom to the bathroom, kitchen and just outside of my house to greet a farewell to my neighbors who are just about to leave. Oh and these people on insta look good, well-shaped and healthy as fuck. And here I am laying down with my laptop open with fat accumulating on my side stomach. Oh they’re so good at this, so good at that. I’m here cursing myself: you’re a terrible lazy procrastinating ass! I’m not saying I’m mad at all these people on Instagram. Truth is, it’s just that I feel less special.
So here I have this realization: social media sucks.
It sucks my confidence. It sucks my self-value. And even worse, it sucks my time.
I can’t deny instagram has been a good source of learning. I learned a couple of yoga movement from instagram. I learned a great deal of perspective in life through instagram. Boy I have had my inspirations on my creative work from instagram.
But it also belittles me. Worst: I belittled myself through instagram. And it felt more real this morning, last night and, without I’m realizing it, those seconds I spent on instagram.
I had to remind myself, more often that not, that these instagram posts I’m seeing are a complete filtered, hyper-curative, thoroughly chosen frame of life. Not the raw, vulnerable one I aspire to see: the real face of humanity, the honest representation of one’s life. Despite a constant reminder on myself, it feels like it was subconsciously there: the comparing, the fantasizing, the expectation and the addiction to it.
So i deleted the app.
Heck, I might delete my account.
I feel less special in instagram. May be without it, I will feel special. Not even just “feel”. I will “be” special. I will probably missing out on some things, and in the age of overflowing information like today, it was probably the luxury.
I might as well be like Frank Ocean: be able to create a special, unique, honest and raw things. To actual family, friends and loved one. To the actual special ones.
Further reading:
https://link.medium.com/hFk3LawGwV
